not a colossal fuck-up. not one of those slips that shatters worldviews and faiths and sends relationships into upheaval. but a blunder nonetheless. it's the kind of blunder wherein there's never any real way to know whether or not it was an actual flub or if it's misperception on my part. it is, of course, a client-related fuck up. and, given my chosen profession, current development in said profession and self-described desire to do well in all things (including said profession), those are the fuck-ups that really get to me.
this past semester i (and my supervisors) noticed a trend and i'm not sure exactly what to do about it. i am (thankfully) gaining confidence and trusting in both my innate and learned skills more and more. there are even times when i go so far as to get really comfortable in my skin and my skills and let go of some of those nagging perfectionistic tendencies and really, truly beautiful things happen in that room. it's awesome!! afterward i burst into the workroom beaming and saying things like "i love therapy!" and yammering to any available ear about what just happened and why it's so awesome. i've emailed my supervisor to
and then, something happens.
not suddenly or in stark contrast. that confidence just...shifts. or lags or stretches in a way that leaves holes in my skills and responsibilities fall through. sometimes it's silly things, like feeling so good about my room, my space, my domain and myself that i don't check the camera in the room to ensure it's in the right position (which becomes important when later i realize that i need to see what my face did in that moment and i can't). other times it's forgetting instructions to tests i feel like i know like that back of my hand, or having directions fall out of my head, never to even be thought of again until a little passive aggressive comment left on a report about something i should have resolved.
letting go makes me good. it also makes me sloppy. and i'm not certain at which point it diverts.
tonight it made me sloppy. and instead of having to answer to a supervisor or professor, it was my responsibilities to a new client that fell short. an intake. they say that your only job during an intake is to get the client to come back. and i'm not sure she will. and not because i'm self-conscious or being overly hard on myself (though i am guilty of being both more often than is necessary or helpful). but because i may have actually fucked up. in the way i conducted the intake, in the words i used and the way in which i used them. (this is not meant to be a litany of woes, but just a statement of what happened). it happened. it was weird. now it's over. and i'm trying to come to terms with the fact that my actual flummoxing of the situation may be responsible for whether or not a potential client trusts/believes in me enough to come back. i'm fairly certain this is not just the self doubt that normally creeps in when i feel like i didn't do the best i could, regardless of whether or not i felt that way at the time. (which really should be my first clue--if it felt good in the room, but not after, what changed? just me.) something about tonight's flop is for real.
and i'm grappling with it reasonably well, i think. not overthinkng it or dwelling. just feeling the need to do better next time. and nervous for what my supervisor will say in answer to that need. of course, i say this now. after talking to N, i thought i really was as collected and philosophical about the whole thing, and feeling good about gaining the experience. then i went home, ate every ounce of bad food in my house, chewed off all my nails and stared blankly at DVRed episodes of bones for hours. that tells you a little bit of something. what exactly? well, i'm still working that out too. a disquiet somewhere in me, of which i'm only aware after i've caught myself in the fridge.
what i know now is that i'm tired, and i wasn't before. my mind was too heavy or racing or full. and spilling the words on the page seems to have helped. i may have fucked up. i may have fucked up in a way that could lead a girl who could really use some help not to take it. and ultimately, that's ok. it's ok, not because it's acceptable to get loose and sloppy and let whatever moves my confidence barometer from "healthy" to "quasi-harmful." it is ok because, as my husband often reminds me, i am a beloved child of god. and as such, i make mistakes. and that has to be ok.
