i decided to start writing again because frankly, i have shit all else to do and writing helps me to chew on things, which is certainly more productive/valuable than watching rerun marathons of project runway and millionaire matchmaker. or, more accurately, i am avoiding the few things i should be doing in favor of doing nothing. despite my affection for heidi and patti, they are helping to turn my couch into flypaper, to which my ass becomes glued and my sense of being becomes stuck. i'm writing again because i need an infusion of movement in my life. you may be thinking "but wait, wouldn't sitting at the computer be considered a rather sedentary activity?" well, of course you're right about that. however, i'm talking about multiple kinds of movement. physical, mental, spiritual. writing hopefully will help get some motion going in the latter two categories.
for reasons i understand but will not go into presently (gotta leave a little mystery, donchaknow), i occasionally have trouble doing things that make me happy. things that help me feel better about myself and my life, things that could help get me unstuck from the literal and figurative couch to which i've become so attached as of late. oddly enough, the things that make me happiest also require me to be. you know, like, just sit with myself, in a variety of contexts. to be here. to make contact with the present moment, as some say. and that is so. hard. for me, anyway.
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| yes, please. |
even now, to be honest, i'm avoiding being. my original plan was to spend 10 minutes practicing mindfulness before i sat down to write. it's back on the schedule for post-blog-posting, but i'm fully aware that i'm putting it off. the practice of being can be quite uncomfortable. well, let's be honest. for me, the act of being is extremely uncomfortable. even my friend daniel, who is probably the most practiced in being of everyone that i know, admitted that he has trouble pushing through the discomfort at times. so it's good to know it's not just me. it seems that i need to build up my being tolerance.
the irony that, as a therapist, i spend the majority of my time being with others, joining in their struggle and accompanying them as they process their experience but have trouble sitting with myself is not lost on me. more of god's twisted sense of humor at work. (sidebar: sometimes when i think god's done something particularly hilarious, i do this at the sky, mostly because it seems pretty fitting). i know for a fact that when i am being instead of doing, i am a much better clinician. so i'm gonna try to stop whining about it and put some effort into being. if that's even possible, haha. how about this: put effort into making space in my day for being.
the other problem with the stuckness that leads me to stare blankly at the monstrous tv jim bought as a part of his holy-shit-i'm-turning-30 crisis, is that it severely limits the joy i'm able to get out of my life. that's another thing i'm not so used to putting effort into; usually joy just comes. it's a byproduct of living, or so i thought. but for the moment it's something i need to be intentional about. part of the infusion of movement that i so desperately need. so my theme of the rest of the summer emerges:
a little joy, here and now.
people wiser than i have said that making your goals public helps hold you accountable and thus more likely to achieve them. and what's more public than the internet? hehe. so here goes. every day, i will do at least one thing that makes me happy. one thing, doesn't have to be big, that gives me that injection of joy that i'm lacking when i sit on the couch. something that's not my usual routine. i will also practice being. for at least 5 minutes a day. hopefully 10. but at least 5. sometimes these will be the same thing, sometimes they won't.
these may sound strange or silly, but they do something to shake things up for me. and that is a big helper in the joy department: novelty. completely counteracts the stuckness of the routine, of the everyday. it doesn't have to be big or even that meaningful. but it's what i got.
the (working) joy list
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| fun with bobby pins |
- being outdoors, especially near water (already had 3 beach trips this summer, am totally ready for more)
- painting my nails (dear CVS: please keep having sales on essie nail polish!)
- reading a book (not for school)
- doing my hair in different ways (today's installment: a it's-too-damn-hot-out look)
- chatting with old friends (get ready for some skype dates, people)
- spending time with animals (pet-sitter extraordinaire)
- flowers (in vases and in pots)
- listening to music (on purpose, not just whatever's on the radio)
- yoga (will attempt to do at home with DVDs, cuz i can't really afford it at the moment...lame)
- playing games (in person...though words with friends is still fun, hehe)
- being active (this will be hard to initiate...but does help me feel better)
suggestions welcome!! but that's what i have so far. it's public now, i'm on the hook. feel free to check up on me. unsticking myself from the couch will not be easy, but i have to do something. i like this plan, this mantra because it affords me the opportunity for balance: some being, some doing. i can't just give up the doing part of myself, i'd hate that. and it would be disingenuous to who i am. but i do need to find more of an equilibrium. all doing and no being turns into a lot of avoiding and very little approaching. ask any psychologist and they'll tell you that's a bad scene. hell, ask anyone.
i've got the "doing" for today taken care of. now for some "being."
