on productivity and produce

i haven't done this blog/writing for public consumption thing in a very long time. inspired by my friends and a need for some, any kind of creative expression, i turn to that most magical of places, where possibilities are literally innumerable...the internet.

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sometimes the way life juxtaposes itself in front of you is unsettling and wonderful all at once.

at this point in my life, i work largely with intangibles. i am a graduate student, meaning that my daily struggles with school-related issues are only minor stepping stones toward this nebulous degree in the sky. i drive the strugglebus so that some day the powers that be will call me a "psychologist." but that doesn't actually look like a whole lot in the interim. mostly it looks like a lot of reading, notsofun writing, and plenty of sleepless nights. with school comes the expectation of being productive--even at this moment there are a plethora of things i "should" be doing: reading, researching, thinking about how to more sharply define my dissertation, getting involved in advocacy for my profession, figuring out ways to network, how to get published. etc. so that push for productivity usually just makes tomorrow's to-do list longer. furthermore the subject matter that i deal with on a daily basis in this oh-so-long journey to my doctorate is the study of mind, emotion, cognition. i mean, you can throw "behavior" in there too, but that's by and large a byproduct of the rest of those unseeable and hard to know factors that impact the human experience. but it's certainly not like studying, well plumbing let's say. if i learn something related to plumbing, i can go fix the faucet and stand and point and say "look at this faucet which is no longer leaking. i did that." psychology is much different. you can have an amazing therapy session and know (hope) that the person is changing for the betterment of their life, but you can't stand back and say "look at this person, i fixed them." it just doesn't work that way. now, don't get me wrong, i find psychology and the study of it intensely satisfying, and endlessly interesting. but again, a lot of the work i do with it is brain stuff. head stuff.

i'm also a new wife. it's about four days from our one year anniversary. both my husband and i were blessed with parents who love and adore each other and make marriage look easy. but that's because they've been doing it for about 62 years between the two sets. lemme tell you, marriage is not easy. even if you love and adore each other and have a mostly fantastic relationship, as we do and have. navigating and maintaining a marriage is something that requires lots of energy and attention, but reward of the relationship itself is what you have to show for it. the same goes for self-work, which i've been doing a lot lately and need to do more of. lots of figuring things out and putting pieces of myself and my experience together in ways that help me live my life better and be more of the person i want to be, which is really hard work. it just doesn't look like anything that resembles the fruits of labor.

which is why, over the course of the last two days, two important rediscoveries have been so incredibly rewarding. the first is art. as in making it. and i'm not an artist, not even close. i like to doodle and swish oil pastels across blank sheets of paper. i don't actually make anything on purpose. the movement of my hands just...becomes something. something to look at, something to hold. i know how much i love doing this kind of art, but i haven't attempted it in a very long time because i am a very busy person. (this as you already know is a very lame excuse) but with a pseudo-project in mind, it's been fun to rediscover doodling with colorful writing utensils.

the second rediscovery is yarn. well, crocheting and knitting yarn. vast portions of my childhood were spent hanging out with oma, my grandmother who lived in our house with us, knitting and crocheting with her. she'd teach me new stitches, we'd make scarves and sweaters for my stuffed animals. it didn't really matter what i was making, as i rarely finished the project. i just liked being with oma and doing something together while we chatted and just...sort of existed together. i haven't picked up a needle since she died. which sounds more morbid than it is, i just haven't done it. plus i didn't know how to start, oma would always start the first line for me and then i'd pick it up. at any rate, when my friends sylvia and melissa voiced a desire to start a stitch n' bitch chapter of our own, i was instantly on board. first meeting was yesterday, and it was just nice to hang out with a lot of people i hadn't seen all summer. but even more than that, it was wonderful, really truly wonderful, to make something. to produce a tangible object that i made with my own hands. particularly amidst all the nonproducing productivity i have in most other areas of my life.

i picked out some pretty purple and green marbled yarn and began making washcloths that oma used to make for people's christmas baskets, but now my mother makes them. she just watches tv and whips a few together in no time flat. (also nice because they're small and square and very easy to do haha) so i finished one today and started another (second one looks much better than the first). i'm going to send it to my mom for no other reason than the classic kindergarten instinct of "look what i made!"

remarkably, i think it's this stuff, this produce i'm making with my hands, my self, that is helping me a lot with some of the more cerebral ventures i have going in my life right now. particularly in the "figuring out who i am again" department. somehow making these things, this art and this yarn, are helping the work of my head go a lot smoother. perhaps it's because i'm dusting off a less-used portion of my brain and it's feeling stronger for it. perhaps it's nice to remember that a body can do things other than eat and sleep and house said brain. perhaps it's both and more. regardless, it is helping me feel more put-together, despite the fact that i lost some hours of "productivity" to "producing" another wash cloth. it feels good, and since it's still summer, i'm indulging in that which feels good for a little more zealously than i do during the school months.


to hell with productivity. more yarn!