the old, the new, and the in between

sometimes i miss my old life.

maybe it's not my old life per se, but there is a predictability, a familiarity in the way one is used to functioning in their daily existence. it's comfortable. sometimes it's not the most exciting, but it feels good, most of the time. intimately knowing and understanding the various parts of my life also allows me to better understand myself. after all, we are who we are based on the intersecting madness of our experiences, histories, relationships and choices. so despite the somewhat insular nature of this familiarity, i believe that, for me anyway, having it created a very sturdy platform from which to jump beyond myself, to quote some alanis morissette (who doesn't need more alanis, really).


i guess it was the sense of intimacy with the details of my life that gave me the confidence necessary to be the most whole version of myself that i had ever been. if that makes any sense at all. it was as though that familiarity allowed me to get my footing and feel sure enough of myself to make decisions about my life and to feel comfortable with the inevitability of change. i don't think i would have had the confidence needed to apply for and get into grad school had i not just come out of the womb of undergrad, living at home and feeling like i understood most everything about what it meant to be me. strange isn't it? the old is what gave me the guts to go for the new.

now, the unfortunate truth is, a lot of the things that gave me that sense of comfort before are no longer a constant presence in my life. my choices have thrust me into a world of unknowns and i'm having a bit of a time recovering my sense of self. my surroundings, my relationships (old and new), my vocation--these things, while exciting and very much a part of who i am, are still new and take some getting used to. i guess i'm stuck here selfishly wishing to fastfoward to the part where i know and understand them enough to feel more like myself whole. because how am i not myself? i suppose that i just need to become reacquainted with her. devote some real time to getting to know the new parts that make up who i am in the present tense. i've felt like this summer i had that opportunity, with relatively few obstacles and requirements of my time and mental energies. but, life being what it is, i never really got around to it. maybe it was too hot, maybe i was concentrating too hard on my outward self, maybe our goddaughter came along and there was no extra room in my heart for soul-searching. i keep feeling like if i had a month or two to live in an ashram or similar venue wherein i could meditate and do little else but think about things, i would feel better. since my school obligations start next week, that ain't happening.

but really, i'm ok with that.

i've found that life keeps going regardless of whether you're ready for it to or not. so i might as well go with the flow, and try to enjoy the ride. maybe i'll figure myself out somewhere in there. not a whole lot of sense in spending copious amounts of energy in missing what was always pretty transient anyway. namely, the ebb and flow of one's existence. the parts of myself that made me feel comfortable and confident are still there. they're part of who i am and not even the tumultuous nature of my current existence can change that.

just another saturday, hon

today, i experienced an iconically baltimore day.

i slept a little later than i had planned in order to snuggle with the hubby. well, "snuggle" might not be the correct term. to quote my dear friend kayte, it's hotter than the devil's crotch, so more like loving on him from as far away as possible while the fan blows at high speed. then it was off to the waverly farmers market. in addition to some arts-n-crafts type things, there was tons of fresh produce, small local eateries with portable yummies, and of course, the smoothie place where you can hop on a bike-powered blender and make your own delicious drink. there were even steamed crabs that one could whack on site. you literally can't get more baltimore than that. after the farmer's market, a friend took us to "the book thing," which is free books. just that, free books. people take in the books they don't want anymore, you browse through everything they have collected and take what you want. it was great, i got a ton of fun reading material for the 30 seconds left of summer, but i'm looking forward to turning off the tv for a while and enjoying some written material. then brunch at my favorite little cafe up the street from our house.

but it's funny how no matter where i go, the pieces of my past follow me in really unexpected ways. perusing the fresh produce at the farmers market only reminded me of my dad and his ginormous garden back home. and there was a caribbean stand serving beef patties that i got all excited for, remembering the yellow pockets found in toronto subway stations, convenience stores and rennie's dorm freezer. (they were not the same, but very tasty) the sun on my shoulders and breeze on my face reminded me that my family was leaving on the vacation we take every year to the beach, but here i was, having this very wonderful, very baltimore day. it's the bittersweet taste of growing up, i suppose. we carry our histories with us, but more than that, our past experiences shape who we are and how we experience the present. we make where we are important and meaningful without losing the significance of where we were. home is not just where you are from, though that's a very important sense of home. i think in order to survive our present tenses, we have to bring that sense of home with us wherever we may travel and go about this business of life. at least for me. by acquainting myself with the unfamiliar and making it mine, making it part of my life as it is now, i bring along all the familiar pieces that color my world as i see it. each new piece, each part of myself and my surroundings that changes in some way is taken in and incorporated into the whole of my experience, changing the picture, sometimes just a swatch of color here and there, sometimes altering the hue entirely. it's important for me to remember that while everything inevitably changes, that sense of home isn't a place on map. at different points in my life, home has had many different addresses. it's the house i grew up in. it's garezers. it's the dilapidated houses and tiny apartments in toronto that i called mine. it's our rowhouse in baltimore. home is not something i make in a new place each time i leave the old one. home is something i carry with me. it's all of my experiences, good, bad, ugly, beautiful, that make me who i am, and that accompany me wherever i go. i delight in the things that remind me of elsewhere--the well-loved books on the shelves at the book thing that so resemble my parents' library, the way campus smells like garezers after it rains. but i love them partly because they have become so much a part of who i am, and who i am now allows me to experience those things that are truly unique to this time and place. bushels of crabs steamed with old bay. the wackiness of everything "hon." what it's like to be a graduate student. watching two good friends become parents for the first time, and knowing that i'm going to be in this child's life on a daily basis for at least the next five years (and not just at summer intervals as i have been blessed to do with aiden). these experiences are new but won't always be that way. right now i'm working on making them mine. and i know that in the process of doing so, i am altering who i am forever. but i try not to be afraid of this fact, knowing that i can call upon the comfort of memory, my sense of self, and the love of those near and far to help fit new pieces into the fabric of who i am, and make whatever place i have paused feel more like home.