the old, the new, and the in between

sometimes i miss my old life.

maybe it's not my old life per se, but there is a predictability, a familiarity in the way one is used to functioning in their daily existence. it's comfortable. sometimes it's not the most exciting, but it feels good, most of the time. intimately knowing and understanding the various parts of my life also allows me to better understand myself. after all, we are who we are based on the intersecting madness of our experiences, histories, relationships and choices. so despite the somewhat insular nature of this familiarity, i believe that, for me anyway, having it created a very sturdy platform from which to jump beyond myself, to quote some alanis morissette (who doesn't need more alanis, really).


i guess it was the sense of intimacy with the details of my life that gave me the confidence necessary to be the most whole version of myself that i had ever been. if that makes any sense at all. it was as though that familiarity allowed me to get my footing and feel sure enough of myself to make decisions about my life and to feel comfortable with the inevitability of change. i don't think i would have had the confidence needed to apply for and get into grad school had i not just come out of the womb of undergrad, living at home and feeling like i understood most everything about what it meant to be me. strange isn't it? the old is what gave me the guts to go for the new.

now, the unfortunate truth is, a lot of the things that gave me that sense of comfort before are no longer a constant presence in my life. my choices have thrust me into a world of unknowns and i'm having a bit of a time recovering my sense of self. my surroundings, my relationships (old and new), my vocation--these things, while exciting and very much a part of who i am, are still new and take some getting used to. i guess i'm stuck here selfishly wishing to fastfoward to the part where i know and understand them enough to feel more like myself whole. because how am i not myself? i suppose that i just need to become reacquainted with her. devote some real time to getting to know the new parts that make up who i am in the present tense. i've felt like this summer i had that opportunity, with relatively few obstacles and requirements of my time and mental energies. but, life being what it is, i never really got around to it. maybe it was too hot, maybe i was concentrating too hard on my outward self, maybe our goddaughter came along and there was no extra room in my heart for soul-searching. i keep feeling like if i had a month or two to live in an ashram or similar venue wherein i could meditate and do little else but think about things, i would feel better. since my school obligations start next week, that ain't happening.

but really, i'm ok with that.

i've found that life keeps going regardless of whether you're ready for it to or not. so i might as well go with the flow, and try to enjoy the ride. maybe i'll figure myself out somewhere in there. not a whole lot of sense in spending copious amounts of energy in missing what was always pretty transient anyway. namely, the ebb and flow of one's existence. the parts of myself that made me feel comfortable and confident are still there. they're part of who i am and not even the tumultuous nature of my current existence can change that.