faith

i've come to the very recent conclusion that the root of most all of my problems regarding myself and my life is my lack of faith.

faith in the universe to work itself out the way it's supposed to. faith that the end result will be what's best. faith in the words and deeds of those i trust. faith in my own abilities. the list goes on.

i am a person who often desires guarantees. assurances that things--whatever they may be--will be ok. that i will be ok. i need to know that things will work out. and i demand proof that they will, or at least someone else to tell me so. but even when i exude enough anxiety to coerce someone into telling me this is true, the words rarely bring me as much comfort as i'd like. because i lack faith that they are true. someone telling me "it'll be ok" is very different than me believing that it will be. it's a real crisis of faith! i always thought that those happened when people experienced horrific events and lost their ability to believe in god, or at least whatever it was that they believed in before said event upended their worldview. but here i am, in the midst of a crisis-of-faith that didn't stem from some unseen tragedy; rather, it crept in. settled in and around me like a film that clouds my vision and strangles whatever faith i do manage to muster. is it possible to be suffocated without noticing it? i feel that way. it's all very matter-of-fact. i was surprised to come upon this realization and uncover just how much surface area this plague has infected. it's like opening up your refrigerator door one day to discover that everything in there has rotted. you stand there for a moment thinking, "oh! how did that happen?"

the truth of the matter is that i don't believe in much of anything right now. not my loved ones, my surroundings, least of all myself. i suppose i could say i still believe in god, but god seems very far away right now, and quite removed from this particular crisis. i suppose it's good that i've finally recognized this lack-of-faith as a problem. now, the hardest part: what to do about it.

figuring the best thing to do would be to ask an expert, i queried my husband:

"jim, how do i have more faith?"
"well, i don't know about that. but i find that faith grows from truly appreciating gifts that i've already been given. when you do that, faith just sorta...happens."


seems reasonable enough.

so. being grateful for what i do have, rather than wishing for guarantees about what i don't know. taking comfort in the stability of now, rather than wasting time worrying about past or future. taking time to appreciate what resources and gifts i have in my possession. verbalizing my thanks for what the people in my life bring to it.



this should, but won't, be easy. here goes nothing.