how to do being

so it turns out i'm not so great at keeping up with this thing, haha.  c'est la vie.  here's to a fresh start, a year later.

i decided to start writing again because frankly, i have shit all else to do and writing helps me to chew on things, which is certainly more productive/valuable than watching rerun marathons of project runway and millionaire matchmaker.  or, more accurately, i am avoiding the few things i should be doing in favor of doing nothing.  despite my affection for heidi and patti, they are helping to turn my couch into flypaper, to which my ass becomes glued and my sense of being becomes stuck.  i'm writing again because i need an infusion of movement in my life.  you may be thinking "but wait, wouldn't sitting at the computer be considered a rather sedentary activity?"  well, of course you're right about that.  however, i'm talking about multiple kinds of movement.  physical, mental, spiritual.  writing hopefully will help get some motion going in the latter two categories.



for reasons i understand but will not go into presently (gotta leave a little mystery, donchaknow), i occasionally have trouble doing things that make me happy.  things that help me feel better about myself and my life, things that could help get me unstuck from the literal and figurative couch to which i've become so attached as of late.  oddly enough, the things that make me happiest also require me to be.  you know, like, just sit with myself, in a variety of contexts.  to be here.  to make contact with the present moment, as some say.  and that is so.  hard.  for me, anyway. 

yes, please.

even now, to be honest, i'm avoiding being.  my original plan was to spend 10 minutes practicing mindfulness before i sat down to write.  it's back on the schedule for post-blog-posting, but i'm fully aware that i'm putting it off.  the practice of being can be quite uncomfortable.  well, let's be honest.  for me, the act of being is extremely uncomfortable.  even my friend daniel, who is probably the most practiced in being of everyone that i know, admitted that he has trouble pushing through the discomfort at times.  so it's good to know it's not just me.  it seems that i need to build up my being tolerance.

the irony that, as a therapist, i spend the majority of my time being with others, joining in their struggle and accompanying them as they process their experience but have trouble sitting with myself is not lost on me.  more of god's twisted sense of humor at work.  (sidebar: sometimes when i think god's done something particularly hilarious, i do this at the sky, mostly because it seems pretty fitting).  i know for a fact that when i am being instead of doing, i am a much better clinician.  so i'm gonna try to stop whining about it and put some effort into being.  if that's even possible, haha.  how about this: put effort into making space in my day for being. 

the other problem with the stuckness that leads me to stare blankly at the monstrous tv jim bought as a part of his holy-shit-i'm-turning-30 crisis, is that it severely limits the joy i'm able to get out of my life.  that's another thing i'm not so used to putting effort into; usually joy just comes.  it's a byproduct of living, or so i thought.  but for the moment it's something i need to be intentional about.  part of the infusion of movement that i so desperately need.  so my theme of the rest of the summer emerges:

a little joy, here and now.
people wiser than i have said that making your goals public helps hold you accountable and thus more likely to achieve them.  and what's more public than the internet?  hehe. so here goes.  every day, i will do at least one thing that makes me happy.  one thing, doesn't have to be big, that gives me that injection of joy that i'm lacking when i sit on the couch.  something that's not my usual routine.  i will also practice being.  for at least 5 minutes a day.  hopefully 10.  but at least 5.  sometimes these will be the same thing, sometimes they won't. 

these may sound strange or silly, but they do something to shake things up for me.  and that is a big helper in the joy department: novelty.  completely counteracts the stuckness of the routine, of the everyday.  it doesn't have to be big or even that meaningful.  but it's what i got.

the (working) joy list

fun with bobby pins

• being outdoors, especially near water (already had 3 beach trips this summer, am totally ready for more)
• painting my nails (dear CVS: please keep having sales on essie nail polish!)
• reading a book (not for school)
• doing my hair in different ways (today's installment: a it's-too-damn-hot-out look)
• chatting with old friends (get ready for some skype dates, people)
• spending time with animals (pet-sitter extraordinaire)
• flowers (in vases and in pots)
• listening to music (on purpose, not just whatever's on the radio)
• yoga (will attempt to do at home with DVDs, cuz i can't really afford it at the moment...lame)
• playing games (in person...though words with friends is still fun, hehe)
• being active (this will be hard to initiate...but does help me feel better)

suggestions welcome!!  but that's what i have so far.  it's public now, i'm on the hook.  feel free to check up on me.  unsticking myself from the couch will not be easy, but i have to do something. i like this plan, this mantra because it affords me the opportunity for balance: some being, some doing.  i can't just give up the doing part of myself, i'd hate that.  and it would be disingenuous to who i am.  but i do need to find more of an equilibrium.  all doing and no being turns into a lot of avoiding and very little approaching.  ask any psychologist and they'll tell you that's a bad scene.  hell, ask anyone. 

i've got the "doing" for today taken care of.  now for some "being."

faith

i've come to the very recent conclusion that the root of most all of my problems regarding myself and my life is my lack of faith.

faith in the universe to work itself out the way it's supposed to. faith that the end result will be what's best. faith in the words and deeds of those i trust. faith in my own abilities. the list goes on.

i am a person who often desires guarantees. assurances that things--whatever they may be--will be ok. that i will be ok. i need to know that things will work out. and i demand proof that they will, or at least someone else to tell me so. but even when i exude enough anxiety to coerce someone into telling me this is true, the words rarely bring me as much comfort as i'd like. because i lack faith that they are true. someone telling me "it'll be ok" is very different than me believing that it will be. it's a real crisis of faith! i always thought that those happened when people experienced horrific events and lost their ability to believe in god, or at least whatever it was that they believed in before said event upended their worldview. but here i am, in the midst of a crisis-of-faith that didn't stem from some unseen tragedy; rather, it crept in. settled in and around me like a film that clouds my vision and strangles whatever faith i do manage to muster. is it possible to be suffocated without noticing it? i feel that way. it's all very matter-of-fact. i was surprised to come upon this realization and uncover just how much surface area this plague has infected. it's like opening up your refrigerator door one day to discover that everything in there has rotted. you stand there for a moment thinking, "oh! how did that happen?"

the truth of the matter is that i don't believe in much of anything right now. not my loved ones, my surroundings, least of all myself. i suppose i could say i still believe in god, but god seems very far away right now, and quite removed from this particular crisis. i suppose it's good that i've finally recognized this lack-of-faith as a problem. now, the hardest part: what to do about it.

figuring the best thing to do would be to ask an expert, i queried my husband:

"jim, how do i have more faith?"
"well, i don't know about that. but i find that faith grows from truly appreciating gifts that i've already been given. when you do that, faith just sorta...happens."


seems reasonable enough.

so. being grateful for what i do have, rather than wishing for guarantees about what i don't know. taking comfort in the stability of now, rather than wasting time worrying about past or future. taking time to appreciate what resources and gifts i have in my possession. verbalizing my thanks for what the people in my life bring to it.



this should, but won't, be easy. here goes nothing.

crimes and misdemeanors

today, i may have fucked up.

not a colossal fuck-up. not one of those slips that shatters worldviews and faiths and sends relationships into upheaval. but a blunder nonetheless. it's the kind of blunder wherein there's never any real way to know whether or not it was an actual flub or if it's misperception on my part. it is, of course, a client-related fuck up. and, given my chosen profession, current development in said profession and self-described desire to do well in all things (including said profession), those are the fuck-ups that really get to me.

this past semester i (and my supervisors) noticed a trend and i'm not sure exactly what to do about it. i am (thankfully) gaining confidence and trusting in both my innate and learned skills more and more. there are even times when i go so far as to get really comfortable in my skin and my skills and let go of some of those nagging perfectionistic tendencies and really, truly beautiful things happen in that room. it's awesome!! afterward i burst into the workroom beaming and saying things like "i love therapy!" and yammering to any available ear about what just happened and why it's so awesome. i've emailed my supervisor to beg ensure she watches my tape before i come in for supervision because i am so proud of it. something hits its stride and flows and it feels incredible and right and helpful and worth it.

and then, something happens.

not suddenly or in stark contrast. that confidence just...shifts. or lags or stretches in a way that leaves holes in my skills and responsibilities fall through. sometimes it's silly things, like feeling so good about my room, my space, my domain and myself that i don't check the camera in the room to ensure it's in the right position (which becomes important when later i realize that i need to see what my face did in that moment and i can't). other times it's forgetting instructions to tests i feel like i know like that back of my hand, or having directions fall out of my head, never to even be thought of again until a little passive aggressive comment left on a report about something i should have resolved.

letting go makes me good. it also makes me sloppy. and i'm not certain at which point it diverts.

tonight it made me sloppy. and instead of having to answer to a supervisor or professor, it was my responsibilities to a new client that fell short. an intake. they say that your only job during an intake is to get the client to come back. and i'm not sure she will. and not because i'm self-conscious or being overly hard on myself (though i am guilty of being both more often than is necessary or helpful). but because i may have actually fucked up. in the way i conducted the intake, in the words i used and the way in which i used them. (this is not meant to be a litany of woes, but just a statement of what happened). it happened. it was weird. now it's over. and i'm trying to come to terms with the fact that my actual flummoxing of the situation may be responsible for whether or not a potential client trusts/believes in me enough to come back. i'm fairly certain this is not just the self doubt that normally creeps in when i feel like i didn't do the best i could, regardless of whether or not i felt that way at the time. (which really should be my first clue--if it felt good in the room, but not after, what changed? just me.) something about tonight's flop is for real.

and i'm grappling with it reasonably well, i think. not overthinkng it or dwelling. just feeling the need to do better next time. and nervous for what my supervisor will say in answer to that need. of course, i say this now. after talking to N, i thought i really was as collected and philosophical about the whole thing, and feeling good about gaining the experience. then i went home, ate every ounce of bad food in my house, chewed off all my nails and stared blankly at DVRed episodes of bones for hours. that tells you a little bit of something. what exactly? well, i'm still working that out too. a disquiet somewhere in me, of which i'm only aware after i've caught myself in the fridge.

what i know now is that i'm tired, and i wasn't before. my mind was too heavy or racing or full. and spilling the words on the page seems to have helped. i may have fucked up. i may have fucked up in a way that could lead a girl who could really use some help not to take it. and ultimately, that's ok. it's ok, not because it's acceptable to get loose and sloppy and let whatever moves my confidence barometer from "healthy" to "quasi-harmful." it is ok because, as my husband often reminds me, i am a beloved child of god. and as such, i make mistakes. and that has to be ok.

ode to a space heater

the night ahead of me
.....is long and cold
.....without your presence
when i pull you close
.....to drink long of your wind and white noise
.....your great warmth wafts
..........near to my frigid extremities
..........but nearer still to my heart
the happy red glow of those ancient coils
.....illuminate my soul
.....freeing the gears of my mind from their hibernation
the hum of your anachronous motor
.....louder and heavier with each use
.....notifies the world that
..........though your technology is not long for this world
..........you will trudge forward
.....blessed in your burden
.....proud of your plight
..........to warm the human race
.....until the last gasp of hot air
..........is expelled from your vents
and when it does
.....those who kept you close
.....will mourn the death
..........of winter's workhorse



____________________________


silly poetry for a worknight. here's to avoiding homework already! :)

a devotional for a new decade

ok, so four months is a long time to avoid depart from the blog-writing world. but in the spirit of a new year, new decade, new semester, i thought i'd stop by (believe it or not, i did miss it).

like so many harbingers of 2010, i've given a lot of thought to resolutions in recent weeks. specifically, the place they have in our culture and whether or not i'm gonna make any this year. for many people, a new year means a clean slate--a fresh start which should bring with it the opportunity to start anew, casting off old/useless habits and replacing them with new, more healthy/productive ones. usually we start out strong--making lists and plans, signing up for things left and right, making promises to ourselves and proclaiming them to anyone in earshot. but we get tired. we get lazy. we lose steam and inspiration. we find excuses more appealing than the effort it takes to sustain promises to ourselves.

to be honest, i'm not so sure i even want to make any resolutions this year. i feel like i already started 2010 in a much better place than 2009 in lots of ways--why muss it up by promises to be broken? i link my aversion to the resolution to the desire to stave off jinxing the progress i made over the course of 2009, haha.

what would one call a resolution that is more of a continuuation of progress toward a long term goal? i don't want enumerate the areas i've been working on as resolutions for the new year for fear that they will subsequently be treated with the same irreverence as most new year's resolutions--thrown under the bus, swept under the rug, fallen off and dragged unceremoneously behind the wagon. how can i find and harness the zen needed to carry me through the semester?

what seemed to work best in 2009 was the "fake it till you make it" approach to life. my response to most questions was "who me? i'm fine. things are peachy." and most of the time, i was lying a little bit. but, with the rich irony only god's sense of humor can produce, the more i lied, the more it became true. because rather than denying the fact that things were iffy or wallowing in the fact that they were, i just...pretended they weren't that bad and i could totally handle it. regardless of whether this was true to begin with, it eventually was.

i pretended like i could handle school, and surprise! i did great. (even earned my masters this year!) i tried to carve out time for things i wanted to accomplish in my week, which meant not letting things that were "less important" slide, and i ended up in the best physical shape of my life and eating relatively healthily. and all the "more important" things ended up getting accomplished anyway. i've tried to rely on my husband to pick up the slack in the houseworks and he's actually trying. basically, i tried to let go of my perfectionism in all walks of life (in favor of a good faith effort in all parts possible), and ended up doing well in pretty much all parts. amazing how that works!

so i guess my resolution to begin this brand new decade is more of the same: fake it till i make it. i'm ignoring the ever-diminishing voice in the back of my head that says that the other shoe is gonna drop eventually, demolishing the house of cards that faith built. but! for the time being, this (read: walking blindly into the fire and hoping that i grow to be flame-retardant) is working for me. perhaps in the interim, the skills that i am currently "faking" will become solid enough to withstand the winds of change that eventually threaten even the most resolute of resolutions. can the aforementioned house of cards morph into straw and then wood and then brick? isn't that kind of what a graduate program is all about? getting more and more experience, becoming more and more confident and thus more and more solid?

i certainly hope so.

september

oh, autumn. how i love thee.

nothing gets me jazzed for life like my favorite time of year. countless exciting things happen in rapid succession, which i think helps build some steam to help barrel through the winter. firstly, there's the gorgeous weather. maybe it's part of my woodsy upbringing with its combination of girl guides and an outdoorsy dad, maybe i'm just strange, but i'm completely in love with what mother nature does when she does it right. i sometimes...well, often really, i find myself just overwhelmed with joy and appreciation of...i guess "nature" is the appropriate word. but that sounds way cheesier than i want it to. i see the leaves waving on the trees, the sun painting brilliant color across the sky, i hear the soothing rhythm of the waves, i feel the breeze on my face and...it's one of the few times i feel a real sense of peace. and not just the pause-for-a-moment-to-keep-running kind. the kind that comes from knowing you are surrounded and loved by god. and that means that everything will be ok. even if it's not.

luckily baltimore is still cool enough to have fall temperatures and changing colors of leaves. and! the colors last longer. the sun serves to bathe the outside world in beauty rather than broiling it. it's cool enough to be comfortable. the air is crisp enough to wake you up and make you take note of the place you've found yourself in.

i love it.

plus there's what fall signifies in the timeline of my current existence, namely the start of the fall semester. and this year that brings with it a slew of new and anxiety-provoking exciting things. i'm doing therapy. with real clients. i'm doing assessment. with real people. i have more professional responsibility than i ever have, and i feel less prepared than i think i should. i'm not great at this yet. maybe someday, but not yet. it's fun either way. on monday, after seeing my first pancake, i felt that sense of exhiliration that comes with knowing you're in the right place, on the right path, making headway toward the rest of your life. it's a good, albeit fleeting, feeling.

at the moment, the weather and a relatively homework-free schedule have left me feeling strong, and if not confident, than at least under the impression that i can handle my shit. we'll see how long it lasts ;)

the old, the new, and the in between

sometimes i miss my old life.

maybe it's not my old life per se, but there is a predictability, a familiarity in the way one is used to functioning in their daily existence. it's comfortable. sometimes it's not the most exciting, but it feels good, most of the time. intimately knowing and understanding the various parts of my life also allows me to better understand myself. after all, we are who we are based on the intersecting madness of our experiences, histories, relationships and choices. so despite the somewhat insular nature of this familiarity, i believe that, for me anyway, having it created a very sturdy platform from which to jump beyond myself, to quote some alanis morissette (who doesn't need more alanis, really).


i guess it was the sense of intimacy with the details of my life that gave me the confidence necessary to be the most whole version of myself that i had ever been. if that makes any sense at all. it was as though that familiarity allowed me to get my footing and feel sure enough of myself to make decisions about my life and to feel comfortable with the inevitability of change. i don't think i would have had the confidence needed to apply for and get into grad school had i not just come out of the womb of undergrad, living at home and feeling like i understood most everything about what it meant to be me. strange isn't it? the old is what gave me the guts to go for the new.

now, the unfortunate truth is, a lot of the things that gave me that sense of comfort before are no longer a constant presence in my life. my choices have thrust me into a world of unknowns and i'm having a bit of a time recovering my sense of self. my surroundings, my relationships (old and new), my vocation--these things, while exciting and very much a part of who i am, are still new and take some getting used to. i guess i'm stuck here selfishly wishing to fastfoward to the part where i know and understand them enough to feel more like myself whole. because how am i not myself? i suppose that i just need to become reacquainted with her. devote some real time to getting to know the new parts that make up who i am in the present tense. i've felt like this summer i had that opportunity, with relatively few obstacles and requirements of my time and mental energies. but, life being what it is, i never really got around to it. maybe it was too hot, maybe i was concentrating too hard on my outward self, maybe our goddaughter came along and there was no extra room in my heart for soul-searching. i keep feeling like if i had a month or two to live in an ashram or similar venue wherein i could meditate and do little else but think about things, i would feel better. since my school obligations start next week, that ain't happening.

but really, i'm ok with that.

i've found that life keeps going regardless of whether you're ready for it to or not. so i might as well go with the flow, and try to enjoy the ride. maybe i'll figure myself out somewhere in there. not a whole lot of sense in spending copious amounts of energy in missing what was always pretty transient anyway. namely, the ebb and flow of one's existence. the parts of myself that made me feel comfortable and confident are still there. they're part of who i am and not even the tumultuous nature of my current existence can change that.