september

oh, autumn. how i love thee.

nothing gets me jazzed for life like my favorite time of year. countless exciting things happen in rapid succession, which i think helps build some steam to help barrel through the winter. firstly, there's the gorgeous weather. maybe it's part of my woodsy upbringing with its combination of girl guides and an outdoorsy dad, maybe i'm just strange, but i'm completely in love with what mother nature does when she does it right. i sometimes...well, often really, i find myself just overwhelmed with joy and appreciation of...i guess "nature" is the appropriate word. but that sounds way cheesier than i want it to. i see the leaves waving on the trees, the sun painting brilliant color across the sky, i hear the soothing rhythm of the waves, i feel the breeze on my face and...it's one of the few times i feel a real sense of peace. and not just the pause-for-a-moment-to-keep-running kind. the kind that comes from knowing you are surrounded and loved by god. and that means that everything will be ok. even if it's not.

luckily baltimore is still cool enough to have fall temperatures and changing colors of leaves. and! the colors last longer. the sun serves to bathe the outside world in beauty rather than broiling it. it's cool enough to be comfortable. the air is crisp enough to wake you up and make you take note of the place you've found yourself in.

i love it.

plus there's what fall signifies in the timeline of my current existence, namely the start of the fall semester. and this year that brings with it a slew of new and anxiety-provoking exciting things. i'm doing therapy. with real clients. i'm doing assessment. with real people. i have more professional responsibility than i ever have, and i feel less prepared than i think i should. i'm not great at this yet. maybe someday, but not yet. it's fun either way. on monday, after seeing my first pancake, i felt that sense of exhiliration that comes with knowing you're in the right place, on the right path, making headway toward the rest of your life. it's a good, albeit fleeting, feeling.

at the moment, the weather and a relatively homework-free schedule have left me feeling strong, and if not confident, than at least under the impression that i can handle my shit. we'll see how long it lasts ;)

the old, the new, and the in between

sometimes i miss my old life.

maybe it's not my old life per se, but there is a predictability, a familiarity in the way one is used to functioning in their daily existence. it's comfortable. sometimes it's not the most exciting, but it feels good, most of the time. intimately knowing and understanding the various parts of my life also allows me to better understand myself. after all, we are who we are based on the intersecting madness of our experiences, histories, relationships and choices. so despite the somewhat insular nature of this familiarity, i believe that, for me anyway, having it created a very sturdy platform from which to jump beyond myself, to quote some alanis morissette (who doesn't need more alanis, really).


i guess it was the sense of intimacy with the details of my life that gave me the confidence necessary to be the most whole version of myself that i had ever been. if that makes any sense at all. it was as though that familiarity allowed me to get my footing and feel sure enough of myself to make decisions about my life and to feel comfortable with the inevitability of change. i don't think i would have had the confidence needed to apply for and get into grad school had i not just come out of the womb of undergrad, living at home and feeling like i understood most everything about what it meant to be me. strange isn't it? the old is what gave me the guts to go for the new.

now, the unfortunate truth is, a lot of the things that gave me that sense of comfort before are no longer a constant presence in my life. my choices have thrust me into a world of unknowns and i'm having a bit of a time recovering my sense of self. my surroundings, my relationships (old and new), my vocation--these things, while exciting and very much a part of who i am, are still new and take some getting used to. i guess i'm stuck here selfishly wishing to fastfoward to the part where i know and understand them enough to feel more like myself whole. because how am i not myself? i suppose that i just need to become reacquainted with her. devote some real time to getting to know the new parts that make up who i am in the present tense. i've felt like this summer i had that opportunity, with relatively few obstacles and requirements of my time and mental energies. but, life being what it is, i never really got around to it. maybe it was too hot, maybe i was concentrating too hard on my outward self, maybe our goddaughter came along and there was no extra room in my heart for soul-searching. i keep feeling like if i had a month or two to live in an ashram or similar venue wherein i could meditate and do little else but think about things, i would feel better. since my school obligations start next week, that ain't happening.

but really, i'm ok with that.

i've found that life keeps going regardless of whether you're ready for it to or not. so i might as well go with the flow, and try to enjoy the ride. maybe i'll figure myself out somewhere in there. not a whole lot of sense in spending copious amounts of energy in missing what was always pretty transient anyway. namely, the ebb and flow of one's existence. the parts of myself that made me feel comfortable and confident are still there. they're part of who i am and not even the tumultuous nature of my current existence can change that.

just another saturday, hon

today, i experienced an iconically baltimore day.

i slept a little later than i had planned in order to snuggle with the hubby. well, "snuggle" might not be the correct term. to quote my dear friend kayte, it's hotter than the devil's crotch, so more like loving on him from as far away as possible while the fan blows at high speed. then it was off to the waverly farmers market. in addition to some arts-n-crafts type things, there was tons of fresh produce, small local eateries with portable yummies, and of course, the smoothie place where you can hop on a bike-powered blender and make your own delicious drink. there were even steamed crabs that one could whack on site. you literally can't get more baltimore than that. after the farmer's market, a friend took us to "the book thing," which is free books. just that, free books. people take in the books they don't want anymore, you browse through everything they have collected and take what you want. it was great, i got a ton of fun reading material for the 30 seconds left of summer, but i'm looking forward to turning off the tv for a while and enjoying some written material. then brunch at my favorite little cafe up the street from our house.

but it's funny how no matter where i go, the pieces of my past follow me in really unexpected ways. perusing the fresh produce at the farmers market only reminded me of my dad and his ginormous garden back home. and there was a caribbean stand serving beef patties that i got all excited for, remembering the yellow pockets found in toronto subway stations, convenience stores and rennie's dorm freezer. (they were not the same, but very tasty) the sun on my shoulders and breeze on my face reminded me that my family was leaving on the vacation we take every year to the beach, but here i was, having this very wonderful, very baltimore day. it's the bittersweet taste of growing up, i suppose. we carry our histories with us, but more than that, our past experiences shape who we are and how we experience the present. we make where we are important and meaningful without losing the significance of where we were. home is not just where you are from, though that's a very important sense of home. i think in order to survive our present tenses, we have to bring that sense of home with us wherever we may travel and go about this business of life. at least for me. by acquainting myself with the unfamiliar and making it mine, making it part of my life as it is now, i bring along all the familiar pieces that color my world as i see it. each new piece, each part of myself and my surroundings that changes in some way is taken in and incorporated into the whole of my experience, changing the picture, sometimes just a swatch of color here and there, sometimes altering the hue entirely. it's important for me to remember that while everything inevitably changes, that sense of home isn't a place on map. at different points in my life, home has had many different addresses. it's the house i grew up in. it's garezers. it's the dilapidated houses and tiny apartments in toronto that i called mine. it's our rowhouse in baltimore. home is not something i make in a new place each time i leave the old one. home is something i carry with me. it's all of my experiences, good, bad, ugly, beautiful, that make me who i am, and that accompany me wherever i go. i delight in the things that remind me of elsewhere--the well-loved books on the shelves at the book thing that so resemble my parents' library, the way campus smells like garezers after it rains. but i love them partly because they have become so much a part of who i am, and who i am now allows me to experience those things that are truly unique to this time and place. bushels of crabs steamed with old bay. the wackiness of everything "hon." what it's like to be a graduate student. watching two good friends become parents for the first time, and knowing that i'm going to be in this child's life on a daily basis for at least the next five years (and not just at summer intervals as i have been blessed to do with aiden). these experiences are new but won't always be that way. right now i'm working on making them mine. and i know that in the process of doing so, i am altering who i am forever. but i try not to be afraid of this fact, knowing that i can call upon the comfort of memory, my sense of self, and the love of those near and far to help fit new pieces into the fabric of who i am, and make whatever place i have paused feel more like home.

on productivity and produce

i haven't done this blog/writing for public consumption thing in a very long time. inspired by my friends and a need for some, any kind of creative expression, i turn to that most magical of places, where possibilities are literally innumerable...the internet.

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sometimes the way life juxtaposes itself in front of you is unsettling and wonderful all at once.

at this point in my life, i work largely with intangibles. i am a graduate student, meaning that my daily struggles with school-related issues are only minor stepping stones toward this nebulous degree in the sky. i drive the strugglebus so that some day the powers that be will call me a "psychologist." but that doesn't actually look like a whole lot in the interim. mostly it looks like a lot of reading, notsofun writing, and plenty of sleepless nights. with school comes the expectation of being productive--even at this moment there are a plethora of things i "should" be doing: reading, researching, thinking about how to more sharply define my dissertation, getting involved in advocacy for my profession, figuring out ways to network, how to get published. etc. so that push for productivity usually just makes tomorrow's to-do list longer. furthermore the subject matter that i deal with on a daily basis in this oh-so-long journey to my doctorate is the study of mind, emotion, cognition. i mean, you can throw "behavior" in there too, but that's by and large a byproduct of the rest of those unseeable and hard to know factors that impact the human experience. but it's certainly not like studying, well plumbing let's say. if i learn something related to plumbing, i can go fix the faucet and stand and point and say "look at this faucet which is no longer leaking. i did that." psychology is much different. you can have an amazing therapy session and know (hope) that the person is changing for the betterment of their life, but you can't stand back and say "look at this person, i fixed them." it just doesn't work that way. now, don't get me wrong, i find psychology and the study of it intensely satisfying, and endlessly interesting. but again, a lot of the work i do with it is brain stuff. head stuff.

i'm also a new wife. it's about four days from our one year anniversary. both my husband and i were blessed with parents who love and adore each other and make marriage look easy. but that's because they've been doing it for about 62 years between the two sets. lemme tell you, marriage is not easy. even if you love and adore each other and have a mostly fantastic relationship, as we do and have. navigating and maintaining a marriage is something that requires lots of energy and attention, but reward of the relationship itself is what you have to show for it. the same goes for self-work, which i've been doing a lot lately and need to do more of. lots of figuring things out and putting pieces of myself and my experience together in ways that help me live my life better and be more of the person i want to be, which is really hard work. it just doesn't look like anything that resembles the fruits of labor.

which is why, over the course of the last two days, two important rediscoveries have been so incredibly rewarding. the first is art. as in making it. and i'm not an artist, not even close. i like to doodle and swish oil pastels across blank sheets of paper. i don't actually make anything on purpose. the movement of my hands just...becomes something. something to look at, something to hold. i know how much i love doing this kind of art, but i haven't attempted it in a very long time because i am a very busy person. (this as you already know is a very lame excuse) but with a pseudo-project in mind, it's been fun to rediscover doodling with colorful writing utensils.

the second rediscovery is yarn. well, crocheting and knitting yarn. vast portions of my childhood were spent hanging out with oma, my grandmother who lived in our house with us, knitting and crocheting with her. she'd teach me new stitches, we'd make scarves and sweaters for my stuffed animals. it didn't really matter what i was making, as i rarely finished the project. i just liked being with oma and doing something together while we chatted and just...sort of existed together. i haven't picked up a needle since she died. which sounds more morbid than it is, i just haven't done it. plus i didn't know how to start, oma would always start the first line for me and then i'd pick it up. at any rate, when my friends sylvia and melissa voiced a desire to start a stitch n' bitch chapter of our own, i was instantly on board. first meeting was yesterday, and it was just nice to hang out with a lot of people i hadn't seen all summer. but even more than that, it was wonderful, really truly wonderful, to make something. to produce a tangible object that i made with my own hands. particularly amidst all the nonproducing productivity i have in most other areas of my life.

i picked out some pretty purple and green marbled yarn and began making washcloths that oma used to make for people's christmas baskets, but now my mother makes them. she just watches tv and whips a few together in no time flat. (also nice because they're small and square and very easy to do haha) so i finished one today and started another (second one looks much better than the first). i'm going to send it to my mom for no other reason than the classic kindergarten instinct of "look what i made!"

remarkably, i think it's this stuff, this produce i'm making with my hands, my self, that is helping me a lot with some of the more cerebral ventures i have going in my life right now. particularly in the "figuring out who i am again" department. somehow making these things, this art and this yarn, are helping the work of my head go a lot smoother. perhaps it's because i'm dusting off a less-used portion of my brain and it's feeling stronger for it. perhaps it's nice to remember that a body can do things other than eat and sleep and house said brain. perhaps it's both and more. regardless, it is helping me feel more put-together, despite the fact that i lost some hours of "productivity" to "producing" another wash cloth. it feels good, and since it's still summer, i'm indulging in that which feels good for a little more zealously than i do during the school months.


to hell with productivity. more yarn!